In No Words Or Less
A life with horses and photographyArchive for June, 2006
For the fields
Farewell to Exponent’s Imp. L is heartbroken, but knows it was the kind thing to do. Impi was constantly in pain. But he gave his best, always, no matter what. A great big heart and a character to match his bold face. Chestnut gorgeous and big and brassy.
I will miss you too, Impi. At least I got to meet you and watch you work. And take your photo. Something to keep.
Another for the fields in Heaven. My heart is raw.
technorati tags: goodbye, Exponent’s Imp, horses, loss, sadness
Goodbye Billy
I bear witness to your passing. The vet and the groom (who cried) and the man in the earthmover who dug your grave.
I cried for you. I said goodbye into the sudden wind that blew sand across the field when you went down on your knees.
At the moment of your death, even though we were on the other side of the field, my horse threw his head up and neighed loudly and then wanted to race off into the dunes… following your freshly freed spirit? I hope so.
A girl on a pony came by, asked me if i’d seen. I said yes. She said your name was Billy and you were not old, but you had something badly wrong with your leg. She said “Grace has been crying all morning.” Grace is your stablemate. Horses grieve. I hope they give her lots of love. And time to recover.
watching the earthmover roll your body into the hole he’d dug, was awful. flopping legs. none of your beauty and grace, no life left in you. a beautiful chestnut horse.
Goodbye Billy. Run in the fields of Heaven with all the other horses i’ve lost. I was witness to your last breath. It’s all i could do.
technorati tags: horses, death, sadness, burial, witness, Billy, chestnut
snippet 12
It occured to her suddenly, out of the blue, that she really was in deep trouble.
She hadn’t really worried before. Now, she was feeling something she had been avoiding since she was a youngster.
Fear.
Panic.
Oh, and rage of course. But she knew rage very well, as it was a pretty constant emotion when dealing with smugglers.
Kicking at the red sand with her foot, she swore quietly in ‘garsh.
She looked around. Smiling wryly at the desolate desert stretching off in all directions, she swore again loudly. Repeatedly.
She felt better.
A sigh escaped her and she turned to look at the little PlasBeam shack that stood, slightly tilted, in a small flattened area.
One day, she would find Greel and kill him. Then she would get a Voodun to bring him back, so she could kill him again.
She could still taste the drug in her mouth and her eyes were itchy and red. Her body felt like she’d been flung from a hanger – and she probably had been, knowing Greel and his cronies! She shook her head and growled softly.
But first, before thoughts of torture and revenge, she must sort out this shelter and see what she could use to communicate with any Habitats in the area. She at least knew what planet she was on. Knowing Greel, however, she was most certainly in the center of the largest desert homeland. With any luck, she could find a way of attracting some of the nomadic tribes, and hitch a ride to a village or town or Habitat that was passing by.
With one more look at the suns setting over the far dunes and the red and gold sandstorm heading her way, she shook her head again and went inside.
I’m not crazy
All day, staring at the ceiling, making friends with shadows on my wall…
All night, hearing voices telling me that I should get some sleep, because tomorrow might be good or something
hold on
feeling like i’m heading for a
breakdown
and i don’t know why
but i’m not crazy, i’m just a little unwell
i know, right now you can’t tell
but stay a while and maybe then you’ll see, a different side of me…
i’m not crazy, i’m just a little impaired
i know, right now you don’t care
but soon enough you’re gonna think of me
and how i used to be…
- Unwell – Matchbox Twenty
Things falling apart a little right now.and it all boils down to my nemesis: Money.
My lack of it. Running out of options. Running out of time. Thanks to being paid 2 months late for my previous work, i’m now in over my head. the bank has called. the bank has threatened. i don’t know what to do.
still breathing. but it’s getting harder.
Photographs and Horses
Dragged my lazy ass out of bed at 9am… i’m really getting bad… *sigh*
took the dawgs for their morning walk along the river…
printed some photo orders and fiddled with some clever new software that A showed me (Called AutoStitch… it does, in 20 seconds, what i’ve been fighting with PSCS to do)
Then, at 1pm i went off to buy some carrots (a necessary part of my horse arsenal) and then to the stables to groom Dexter up and make him look respectable.. he is under selection for a photoshoot. It’s for a famous flat race – so they wanted “race horses” . Dex is not the biggest horse, but he sure is pretty 
And he did race too. He performed for the camera, knowing he was being watched – he was so sweet.
he also fell in love with a beautiful grey mare called Cairn’s Dream (“CD” for short) and pranced around for her all the way home i think she was equally as smitten as he was, because she was also playing The Mare for him…
I then raced home, patted the dogs and decided to go ride Catch because it was a GORGEOUS evening and i really look forward to riding him now, thanks to our new “understanding” (thanks to the Alexander Technique, really) and i am SO glad I went to ride! Catch and I had a wonderful ride – a few tense moments when we encountered the baboons making their way up into the mountains for the night, but nothing major – and it was so nice to give a little love to Ex and Al and of course the terribly cute, Stormy (aka Ponneh)
i am now exhausted, but really happy and relaxed. Tomorrow is a public holiday, so i will ride Dex only – a proper ride.. perhaps i will try and get him down that sand track to the beach – he’s a right nana when it comes to going to the beach, but it should be fun! 
big show this weekend, but all the way out in Stellenbosch again *sigh*. i’ll have to see how much petrol i have and how Broomhilda is feeling.
i’m still waiting on hearing how the table mountain thing goes :/ apparently i have to now do _another_ angle on it… i’m up against some big names. i don’t know if i’ll get this. i hope i do. i need the money _desperately_.
if i could only win the lotto.
technorati tags: horses, photography, mountains, riding, Catch the Eye, Deca Dancer, mares, geldings, baboons
blast from the past
walking in to the mall to buy carrots for the horses, i was faced with a vision from my past.
and wow… he’s even more gorgeous now than he was before!
Short hair, not quite as skinny as he was (more muscle…) and looking decidedly less high
He looked so good – pleasant memories.
Rule my day
My animals really do run my world. They shouldn’t. But they do. Like last night, i couldn’t go to bed because my dear dog was asleep at one end and my big fluffy cat was asleep at the other, and I really didn’t want to disturb them. they looked so peaceful.
So i waited until after 12 for the cat to move… ok so i was having an interesting conversation with various friends online, and trying to refrain from deleting my self portraits on flickr… but still… i really was waiting for one of them to move! how sad is that?
But they make me happy, as do all the beautiful horses i ride. i prefer the company of animals to people. by far.
Dex was meant to go to a photoshoot yesterday afternoon, but the weather was so bad (no seriously, it was STORMY out there) it has been postponed till thursday afternoon, as the weather man said it would clear by then… i avoided the worst of the rain when i took the pooches for their morning gamble – it bucketed down when we got home.
this morning is not so bad, just very windy mostly. i’ve walked them dawgs, now i need to go ride Dexter (should be interesting… 3 days off… he’ll be squealing!) before the next wave of rain comes. Although, knowing our luck we’ll be stuck out in the middle of the field when it hits
I finally got paid for the freelance stuff i did – hooray! just in time too, i’ve been getting nasty “please pay arrears” messages from my bank :/ i hate being in debt. it’s such a sicky, stuck feeling. why can’t i win the lotto?i don’t even have to win the main prize! i’d be happy with a couple thousand! really i would! *wide.oliver.eyes*
*sigh*
I’m seriously broke though. blah.
when will i be famous? isn’t there a song with that name? i’m sure there is.. an old 80’s hit.
ah. the 80’s. era of my youth, but i’ve actually blocked it all from my mind. i can hardly remember anything. which is a blessing probably.
anyhoo, morning cuppa is finished.. i’m off to ride.
technorati tags: cats, dogs, horses, photos, photoshoots, models, bad weather, cape town, no more self portraits please
snippet 11
Her pain sits there on her shoulders. Like a putrescent, bloated thing. Weighing her down, making it difficult to lift her head. I can see it. Her work area is sparse and uncluttered and neat. Her work is frantic and chaotic but it works. It always works.
I can see the top of her brunette head from over here in my cubicle. She is so still. You wouldn't know that anything was going on in her soul, just by looking at her. Her mind a whirlwind of screaming and despair and thoughts like razors.
How do I know this? She is my twin. But she does not look like me. At all. She is tall and thin and pale and delicate. I am small and muscled and tanned and blonde. She never smiles. I am known for my sunny disposition. Are we related? No. Our ancestors are not even from the same continent. She is my twin because she has the other half of my soul, and I have half of hers. Silly, yes. But I can think of no other explanation. I know her so well, as if I was inside her head. I can hear her thinking sometimes. If she lifted her eyes up at any point in a conversation with me, she would know me as well. But she never does. She looks at your shoulder, your hands, the floor in front of her feet, or, if she is feeling daring, your lips.
Long ago, when she was young, she did something very bad. This guilt covers her like ash. Makes her grey inside. Later she did something so good for someone else, that she is now always in pain. But she doesn't think that this pain makes up for the bad thing she did. I keep trying to speak to her, to get her to look into my eyes. I want her to know that she's not a bad person, she is just human. Show me one person who has nothing to regret in their life? Their entire life? Can you be sure?
Sometimes when it's raining outside, we sit here in our cubicles at lunch time. Sometimes she works. Mostly, she just sits there at her desk, staring at something so far away I can't even imagine what it is.
Today, she is staring. It is dark and wet and wild outside. A real winters day.
Today I am going to speak with her. The rain makes me brave.
My heart is thumping as I stand up, coffee cup in my hand, and try to stroll over nonchalantly. I get to the opening of her cubicle and pause, pretending to look in my coffeecup at something. Her head lifts slightly and she turns it a little to look at my shoes. She is very pale today.
"Join me for a cuppa, Bailey?" I squeak. Clear my throat.
She winces when I say her name. I can see she is about to shake her head. But today, something is different. She seems to be holding her breath as she nods slowly. Her hand shaking, she grabs her big yellow mug with the rediculous smiley face on it. She pushes back her chair and stands slowly. Like a piece of origami unfolding. She stands straight and towers over me.
I can see Green and Beatman out of the corner of my eye. Their mouths are agape.
Bailey slowly raises her eyes and looks at my lips.
"Shall we?" I ask and turn towards the staff kitchen. She doesn't look me in the eyes, but that's alright, because I can see something else.
Bailey is smiling.
